When I was a kid my dad said to me “life is just a series of evolutions.”
This was my real dad. The one I wrote a show about. The problem father. It seemed ironic when I got older that he had said it since he basically hadn’t seemed to evolve himself. More drink, more girls, more cars, more loss… and so on.
Sometimes I wonder if it was ironic that I heard it. I’ve spent a lot of my life as a little boy. Good and bad I have the sensitivity of a child. And the playfulness. I am still obsessed with my dog like I’m ten. He’s underneath my feet as I write this. Many days at home writing alone I will come up with a voice for him and we’ll have conversations. it’s absurd and basically insane. It’s worse when I forget I’m doing that when we’re on our walks.
But this isn’t about my burgeoning psychosis with my beloved fur ball. It’s about evolving. It may be working on a play like True West and tapping into who you are to try and get a sense of who these guys are. Lonely. Frustrated. Funny. Dying. So full of remorse. So incapable of expressing it.
That’s an evolution I feel close to lately. Becoming, finally less a boy and more a man I guess. Means responsibility for your actions in a new light. It means a detail to your surroundings to your relationships. A commitment to your choices.
And yes I am finding it has moments of longing- my life has always had longing. Longing for the relationship that ended, the job that went away, longing for everything that didn’t want me. The possibility of what they could have been if they had.
Lately, I’ve been longing for the mistakes. The mistakes i’ve made. I’ve been longing to go back and correct. To re shape. I’ve been longing to be closer to this person I’m becoming now and less connected to that child even a few months ago. I don’t buy the – “well , that’s how you ended up here” maxim. I’m lucky i ended up where i am at all. An amazing wife and good family. Despite my failings. My failings didn’t bring me that. Unenviable luck did.
And so often I take it for granted.
That’s the truth of everything isn’t it? Whether it’s capitalism, or a me obsessed analytical society or just plain stupidity- we take the best things for granted. And not the worst? How is that possible?
My evolution involves nothing for granted I guess. It involves less ambition and more compassion. Less longing and more gratefulness. It’s taken me too long to get here. And I probably don’t deserve to be. But I’ll savior it for however long it lasts.